


Intimacy

by H4T08



Series: Behind the Door [23]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s03e17 Unity, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-08 23:49:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17990855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/H4T08/pseuds/H4T08
Summary: “So, what are you more furious at,” again, he can imagine her crossing her arms along her chest, her cheeks flushed with rising ire, “yourself for openly seeking this desire for intimacy with another woman or that we only have great sex and the occasional dinners?”He hangs his head, the war he had been having with himself put out in the open in true Kathryn style; blunt with a hint of sarcasm.





	Intimacy

**Author's Note:**

> Post-ep for "Unity"

“There you are.” A soft voice, _her soft voice_ , calls out from behind him, pulling him from the laborious work of stripping a tree of its bark.

“I’ve been here for quite some time,” he answers back, quickly grabbing a towel next to him and wiping the sweat from his face and neck. “Is there something you needed?”

He doesn’t look at her, he doesn’t dare to, embarrassment still making his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. “I wanted to know if you would like to join me for dinner?”

“Not tonight.”

“Oh.”

That one syllable, laced in both sorrow and concern, causes him to finally glance at her. Confusion dips along her brow while her lips are set in a grim line of determination. He can’t help but quirk that this look is quintessential Kathryn; he is her puzzle that she has yet to figure out. _Maybe there is more…_ “Maybe—”

“Maybe another night? You had said that the last few times I have invited you to have dinner with me.” He swallows hard as her cool blue eyes turn to steel. “Are you ignoring me?”

His first reaction is to tell her no, but he would be lying and she is too smart to hide any deceit from her. “I’m having a hard time understanding everything after all that has happened.”

“Chakotay, we have already been over this,” she shakes her head, “you were not at fault for what had happened.”

_She just doesn’t understand the depth of my deceit or, in effect, the thoughts now churning in centrifugal motion._ “I know,” he murmurs under his breath.

Glancing along the small expanse of the area he had chosen to build their home, he feels a sense of calmness settle upon the calamitous waves that have been cresting since the moment he remembered how he spent one of his evenings in the colony. From the moment he had agreed to allow them to link him into their collective to the second they disconnected it, he had been in a heavy fog of intense desires. Now that his head is clear, he is left with memories of faint touches and passionate lips of a woman he shares no love for. However, now that he looks back, his belly sinks with a craving to have that same tenderness with the woman in front of him.

“I’ll… I’ll leave you to it then,” she turns away from him.

He is set to let her go, still so unsure of his own feelings and desires to properly give words to them. Yet, as she is about to disappear past that magical line between their sought-after fantasy and their cold reality, he calls out, “Wait!”

Thankfully she stops before the door appears to lead out to the corridor, but she doesn’t turn or acknowledge him.  

Twisting his towel around his hand, he leaves the comfort of his project to face this unpredictable, and frankly, unknown entity. Her shoulders are tense and he can imagine her biting down on that bottom lip, doing everything that she can to keep herself rooted despite the overwhelming need to run. Right then and there, that simple image is what pushes him forward into the depths of this grey area he has been avoiding since his return from the Borg Cube. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

He grits his teeth at the clip in her voice. “I have been ignoring you,” a shiver runs down his spine, “however, it’s not for the reasons you think.”

She twirls around, her hands squared on her hips, “Then enlighten me.”

“Well…,” he opens his mouth, yet no other tangible words come out other than, “ummm” and “you see”. _Fuck!_ Twisting his towel around his knuckles, he tries to think of something more concrete.

“I think…,” her brows dip as she stares at him, her piercing blue eyes having the ability to see inside his thoughts, “I think you had a crush on her.”

_Am I that obvious?_   “It… it was more than that.” His sight drops to the grass, his mind whirling as to the jumbled feeling tied in an impossible knot. While he was in awe of Riley’s work, her passion, and drive, now thinking back, he could still feel an imprint of her link; the gentle whisper of her clothes caressing her body, the electricity igniting between their finger as they had walked side-by-side. “It became more while I was recovering.”

“Chakotay,” she sighs, “is this—”

“Its because of that link, I was saved,” he interrupts her, the crushing need to be completely honest pressing against his chest. “It was that link that opened so much more.” She remains quiet as he gathers his thoughts. “She was different than the others from the link. I could feel our connection, every touch to her skin, almost as if we were one. It was… it was intense.”

“But why are you holding all of this in?” Her gentle voice almost – _almost_ – draws his chin up.

He instead twirls the soft cloth around his fingers, the truth of his misdeeds bitterly coating his tongue, “We were intimate with each other.”

Silence reigns between them, until he hears gentle footfalls drawing her near. “Look at me, Chakotay.” Ever-so-slowly, his eyes flutter to see her face open and honest. “You knew early on that I was not faithful to Mark.” To help with the sting of her blunt words, she reaches up to capture his cheek. “I am the last person to condemn you for straying into the arms of another woman.”

“Our relationship is different,” he grimly murmurs, “I hate that I had betrayed you so easily.”

Her brow furrows, “But you didn’t betray me.”

Letting out a frustrated sigh at her lack of anger, he slips out from her embrace, choosing instead their calming lake to garner his attention. “Riley and I… we… It was more than just sex. We were intimate with each other, touching and kissing as if we were old lovers who had been separated.” He stuffs his hands deep within his pockets, the angst of his true discontentment making him grit his teeth as he offhandedly murmurs under his breath, “You and I, we have great sex and the occasional dinners.”

“So, what are you more furious at,” again, he can imagine her crossing her arms along her chest, her cheeks flushed with rising ire, “yourself for openly seeking this desire for intimacy with another woman or that we **_only_** have great sex and the occasional dinners?”

He hangs his head, the war he had been having with himself put out in the open in true Kathryn style; blunt with a hint of sarcasm. “I… I don’t know,” he pinches the bridge of his nose, the determination to finish out this conversation dying in tattered pieces at his feet.

“Unacceptable,” Kathryn crossly calls out to him, “not when this is tearing you to shreds.”

“And why would it matter if I told you how I feel,” he explodes as he turns back to face her, “you are just going to remind me that I had agreed to the terms of our relationship. Nothing will change.”

“I have been honest with you since that same conversation.” Her voice loses every biting edge, replaced now with something so small and fragile. “You know exactly how I feel about taking our relationship further and I thought we were in agreement.”

“Yes, and up until this point, I have been happy with our arrangement.” His chin drops to his chest. “Then after experiencing this… this bliss with Riley, I knew it was something I desperately wanted with you.” As he raises his chin, a thin layer of doubt melts away, leaving nothing but pure love reflecting in his chocolaty brown eyes.

Instantly, he can see panic wrapping their wretched claws around her neck. “Chakotay,” her tone sounding like one in defeat.

“No,” he begs.

She ignores him, “I’m not comfortable giving you what you want.”

“But that doesn’t mean that we give up on this so easily,” every insignificant thing – Riley, his deceit to both Voyager and Kathryn, even his longing to want more out of their relationship – falls to the wayside.

“Yes, but when I don’t give you want, what you desire most, you will begin to resent our relationship and, so far from home, we would not be able to afford that.”

“And so, every time I show a desire and a willingness to want more out of this relationship, you’re going to push me away?”

She rolls her eyes, “Well, that’s—”

“Yeah, I know,” he interrupts her sarcasm with his own, tit-for-tat, “it’s something that you're good at.”

Falling into one of their biting silences, he begins to follow the pattern of her fingers tapping against her elbow. “How did this go from Riley Frazier to our relationship?”

She had asked her question in jest, but now with his heart splayed openly on his sleeve, he finds that he no longer wishes to hide the truth of his feelings from her. “Because I didn’t know I wanted this type of intimacy with you until I had it Riley; this woman who means nothing to me and yet we had such a strong connection.” The small tremble in her bottom lip ignites a spark in his soul. “You mean everything to me.”

She lifts her stubborn chin, “I will break your heart.”

Instantly, he wonders what turned her naturally loving heart cold and logical. Stepping up to her, he captures her cheek, his thumb running along her bottom lip, “It’s a risk I am willing to take a million times over.” The steeliness of her eyes melts away. “I want us to explore different ways to be intimate together. I want to touch you and kiss you and wake up next to you just do it all over again.” A small hint of a smile blossoms across his lips, “I think deep down, you want the same thing.”

Her features harden, the same wall she erects when around the other crew members beginning to build from the ground up. “Why do you say that?”

“A four-poster bed and blue striped curtains,” he murmurs.

She looks over his shoulder at the small pile of logs stripped of their bark. “Is that…?”

“I promise, we can go as slow as you want.” Giving her an encouraging smile, he takes one step out from her embrace. “Please think about it.”

“I have fought tooth and nail to drive that type of intimacy out from any and all relationships.” He idly wonders if the same could be said for Mark, but he keeps that thought to himself. “It will… it will not be easy for me.”

“The things we truly desire for ourselves are never acquired with ease.”

She smirks, “You sound just like Tuvok.”

He dramatically rolls his eyes, her soft laughter causing his tense muscles to relax. “I’m going to finish this log. Did you want to get dinner in the mess hall after?”

He is hopeful, but he already knows the answer before she opens her mouth. “No, thank you.”

He nods, understanding that he has given her so much to think about, that she needs her space. “Okay.”

“Okay,” her brow furrows, her mind trying again to decipher her puzzle. Just as she is about to say something, she snaps her lips closed and shakes her head. “I will see on the bridge tomorrow morning,” and with a strained smile, she calls for the holodeck door.

After he watches her disappear into the corridor, he returns back to the work site. Gathering his old-fashioned tool, he feels a small weight lifted off of his shoulders as he gets back to work.

**Author's Note:**

> The original story I had was one that Riley had forced herself onto him. After re-watching the episode, I believe that their affections were mutual and genuine at the start and dubious after returning to Voyager from the Cube.


End file.
